He lied. I found out yesterday that he has smoked twice. You know what is funny? He promised me that he would not lie to me. Specifically that he would not smoke weed. He said he would not do that to me. To “us.” He said he would not do anything to “fuck this up.” I believed him like such an idiot. Am I some immature, naive little girl? Apparently. Unfortunately.
I really hope no one goes on tumblr anymore. I am very positive no one I know will see that post. But whatever, it IS tumblr. I needed to vent. Gotta do what ya gotta do.
I haven’t been on tumblr in a while. I don’t know where to begin. The only thing I want to talk about is Jake. I’ve been unhappy since the superbowl. Yeah… That long. Because of choices I made, I lost my best friend, my guardian and my heart. Those three people were all one for me. They were Jake. The boy I was/am insanely in love with. And I lost him. This has been karma tenfold. So many days and nights I’ve cried my eyes out saying I just wanted my Jake back. We went through hell. I wish I could truly explain. One week he wanted me and I didn’t want him and then it would switch and then switch again and again and again. I honestly don’t know how I am here today. I wanted to die so many times. Then when I had him I would do something to lose him. Then I’d get him back and I’d do something again to lose him or he just wouldn’t be able to take the pain of being with me. We cried to each other so many times. I held him while he cried so many times. He hooked up with a freshman. Then he broke up with me for good. He promised me it was for good. Promised. And he fucking hooked up with a fucking goody two shoes god damn fucking freshman. HE WAS HER FIRST HOOK UP. How can I hate her? How can I hate such an innocent girl who twirls her hair into two parts and is in love with the boy band “One Direction?” I see her in school and I’m disgusted. She got to taste Jake’s lips and those were my fucking lips. They really were. And so we were tied after he hooked up with this little girl. One to one. He broke his promise and asked for me back. I took him back as soon as he told me he did it. But then I couldn’t do it. I was mad. I overlooked the fact that he did what he did because I was so happy I had my Jake back. I was too caught up in everything because I didn’t want to think about it. Jake was never like that. I was Jake’s first everything. First girl he held hands with, first girl he kissed, first girl he made out with, first EVERYTHING. And I was his obsession for a year. I had an awful way of showing it, but he was my obsession, too. Anyways, after we got back together I broke it off with him again because I wanted to experience my life. I am sixteen and I wanted to act it. And I did. And I regretted it. Finally about a week ago Jake took me back. We supposedly are going to work out this time. I can hardly do it though. He started hanging out with this other freshman who has a boyfriend and I guess he took care of her while she was drunk and she was all over him and I’m sure he was all over her. And he texted her after a party to make sure she got home alright. Fucking asshole. He hung out with her a few times and smoked “in a group” with her. They went out to lunch alone. Then after school they hung out. They probably spent a lot more time together than I know of. She is everything he told me he couldn’t be with me because of. She drinks and smokes. He always used to yell at me for wearing makeup. She wears a ton of makeup. Wtf she has a boyfriend. I guess he just couldn’t stay away. Anyways, after he spent all that time with her and I spent a lot of time with a friend of mine who is a boy and a senior, we worked things out. He promises me I’m his forever. And this truly does feel different than the other times we have gotten back together. This could really work. But it is fucking killing me. I wish someone understood. I really do. He tells me he loves me and after hearing it for so long when I KNEW he loved me, I know it is different now. I think he wants to mean it. I think he wants to care as much as he used to. But I don’t think he does. Actions speak louder than words. We used to hang out every single day. Literally. A day not spent together was definitely not a good day. Yesterday as he dropped me off from school he surprised me when he said he thought we were hanging out. I was so excited. I was so happy. And then a few minutes later after talking in the car, he said he had just been feeling weird lately and wanted to escape into his own world and wanted to just be alone. I think he saw in my face how bad that hurt me because I told him it was fine but he still insisted on coming in. I cried. I felt so alone. I still feel alone but it was just such a shock to the realization at that point. I couldn’t help but cry. And today he hung out with his friends which is fine but it leaves me remembering when he cried because he felt like I didn’t care if we hung out or not in one of his more insecure periods of our relationship. This last break-up period he hung around a lot of losers. He smoked weed almost everyday. He became everything he said he didn’t want. I told him if he smokes then I’m done. So now I’m wishing everything was the same. What am I supposed to do? This is killing me. I have the boy I love but my heart is still broken because it is just his body. It’s not really him. He’s changed and so have I. But I’m more positive and loving and I’m really trying. He just isn’t. The worst part is watching him try. He tries to be what he knows I want and need but I think he knows that’s just not who he is anymore. And he knows I’m too scared to lose him again (or maybe too hopeful he will eventually change) to leave him. I don’t know how this happened. I don’t trust him. I always think he is talking to other girls and smoking. He promises me he isn’t doing either. But really I wonder if he has just realized I’m just like any other foolish girl who will believe anything the boy she is in love with says. I hurt everyday over things I shouldn’t be hurt over. I think too much. I miss my Jake. I don’t know who this is, but I guess he will have to do. He’s the closest to my baby that I’ll ever be. I’m so sad. I’m angry, too. But I can’t leave the boy I was in love with for so long. The boy who treated me like a princess. His princess. I love him. I have him back but I still cry over not having him back. That is twisted. Maybe this is just a lesson I will never learn. A year ago I had butterflies and snuck around to see him. I can’t believe how much has changed. Something really does keep me holding onto nothing. But I’m passionate about this nothing and I guess I’m going to hang on. Because Jacob Chile Grant is someone I can’t give up on. Actually, he is someone I once promised I would never give up on. I have him, but I miss him. I want my Jake back and I’d do anything to get him. I have never felt more alone.
